Changing climates

When i started this blog, we were moving on a regular basis - Sod's Law, now we move comparatively rarely, since Jiffy seems to be getting longer contracts in the same area.  Employers don't seem to be able get a handle on the idea that because we have a postal address in one place, doesn't mean we can't up sticks and work anywhere in the country!  For 18 months we have mostly rotated around Gloucestershire, predominantly near Tewkesbury, now near Cheltenham, maybe he'll get a job in the office of his present employer, and we'll push the boat out, go somewhere really new to us - all the way to Cirencester!!!!

Strangely, even though we don't seem to be moving much, my dissatisfaction with stationary, bricks-and-mortar living seems to be appeased by ever more downsizing!  The more 'stuff' we get rid of, the smaller our home-on-wheels becomes, the lighter and more lissome life feels, like we could release ourselves from the bounds of the earth, and float away to wherever we fancied!  I know we can't, but it FEELS like that kind of weightless liberty.  Yet, at the same time, this small, cosy space also feels so much more secure and safe than an immovable building, with so much more internal space, divided up into claustrophobic portions (known as 'rooms')  One space, with thin but well-insulated walls, so that one is always aware of the background of life all around, part, even, of the outer world, seems to me much less enclosed, and restrictive, than thick walls and larger spaces full of furniture and the detritus of many years of living.

Received wisdom tells us that security lies in a job, an 'owned' house/flat, promotion, etc, yet it seems to me that such things are a velvet prison.  In a rapidly changing world, once more the gift that brings security (what an illusion!) is what made humans so powerful in the first place - adaptability.  The days of 'jobs for life' died long ago, but still we are encouraged to aspire to that, and to all the badges of such 'achievement' - the biggest TV, the latest model of car, the newest fashion, the brand names that the media dictate are the most desirable - I beg your pardon?!

None of these things can be taken with us when our time comes to go - and go we all must (Immortality has always seemed to me the most frightening of nightmares, can anyone explain to me why so find it appealing?) All that we can take with us is our memories and our conclusions on the quality of a life lived.  When that time comes, we will be alone, for no one can approach that transition with us, and whatever deceptions we may have wrought upon ourselves will be exposed. 

My security lies in the knowledge that I have always done the best I could, in the understanding I had at the time, and that where I have made mistakes, and caused pain or damage to others, I have done my best to make reparation.  There is no safety, life isn't safe, never was and never will be. The desire for safety is the desire not to live, for the dead are the only ones with nothing to risk, whom life's vagaries can no longer impact upon. As my bodily frailty increases I know I am increasingly less adaptable, physically, but I believe my mind is becoming more so, as I let go of the fear of disaster.  Disaster is only something for which we have not prepared - as in the saying that there is no bad weather - only the wrong clothes! We cannot, metaphorically, all have a wardrobe to cater for all weather, but we can learn to adapt as the climate of life changes, and that's about being willing to learn and to let go of that which is no longer valuable in the new climate.

On the 4th of April, 2007, I fell from the step of our new motorhome and completely destroyed my right elbow. The recent 2nd anniversary of this life-changing event set me thinking about anniversaries, and how we, as individuals and as a society, adjust to dramatic changes - especially in this current time of economic uncertainty. It seems to me (from the perspective of 62 years of a well turbulent life) that it is very hard to make rational, considered decisions about the changed situation, unless one lets go of one's previous sense of identity and beliefs about reality - this may seem obvious, but this means grieving for the self, and world, that has passed, and we seem, on the whole, reluctant to do this. Western, particularly Christo-centric, society seems very unwilling to face the end of anything, to let go of what has been (be that life itself, or merely a possession) and move on into a new context for being.

This 'letting go' is what grief is for, but we seem to regard grief as embarrassing, a weakness that we should not be subject to if we're 'real adults'. This attitude is more than the British 'stiff upper lip', as we Brits are not alone in this phenomenon, it is part of Western discomfort with uncertainty, a deep-seated social insecurity that has seen us comforting ourselves with more and more 'things' to make us feel safe, and an ever increasing effort on the part of those at the head of our society to control as much as possible. This is, of course, a complete waste of effort and resources - as they say in the classics 'stuff happens' and we just have to find a way to come to terms with it. Grief, unresolved, can be very damaging to those who refuse to grieve and let go - not just for people who have died, but for anything lost irretrievably that was valued. Some years ago I was briefly involved with a wonderful organisation called Cruse, with helps those who are berieved to deal with their losses. Though brief, my experience was enough to show me how vital it is to recognise one's loss and to grieve for it, I saw many stuck in fear, indecision and depression because they could not, or would not, face their loss and feel it - and let go of what had been lost, instead of trying to carry on as though nothing had happened.

Over the past 2 years I have been discovering (a) how much of my previous identity relied on my ability to do things, reliably and with skill, and to be independent, and (b) how different my picture of myself now has to become. I still struggle to let go of much of my previous picture of myself - in my head I am still the capable cook and provider, but my body tells me otherwise. I may still have all the knowledge, theoretical skill and body knowledge, but I can no longer put much of it into practice. Now I have to rely on the support of others to a degree I am still enormously uncomfortable with, I can no longer simply prepare vegetables, put things in and out of the oven - some days I cannot even spread butter on a slice of bread! To woman who has not just run a household and brought up 4 children, but run cafes and guesthouses, this is a big shock! In addition, I have always made things - sewing, knitting, crochet, embroidery . . . . . this requires dexterity and strength I cannot now rely on, and while i still do as much of it as my arm allows, I keep finding myself up against challenges where once I would have done the job almost without conscious thought. I am still grieving for the 'Me' I once was, and groping for a new 'Me' that feels like someone I can live with. This new 'Me' is not just a struggle for me - I am now no longer the person my husband, my children and my friends thought they knew, the ground has shifted underfoot for them, too.

Sometimes i just need to sit and weep for who I used to be, who had so many skills that she took for granted and now has to find replacements for - many would be uncomfortable with this, so I tend to do it alone, those i love, and who love me, have their own grieving to do, and their own adjustments to make - not just with reference to me, I don't mean that, but changes in their own lives - promotions, job losses, family break ups and reformations etc. It's hard to let go of what has been treasured, or simply taken for grated, for a long time, but we cannot control much in life, really, it's appalling arrogant to believe we can. All we can truly control is how we deal with what happens to us, and much of that is about letting go and grieving for the space that is left behind - then finding something else to fill it! I love the truism 'If you love someone/thing let them go - if they come back, they're yours, if they don't, they never were." It's important to recognise that very little is ever truly ours, and to let go freely, and be open to accept whatever gift life offers next. I'm not sure what life is going to offer next, i am due to have a replacement elbow fitted, will that lead to a return of some of my dexterity and strength, or a return to greater pain and debility? I don't know, but I'm ready to tackle either - though I won't deny I'm scared, It would be foolish to go forward in life with my eyes shut, just as it would be foolish not to grab opportunities with both hands - and to do that, I need to let go of some of the ideas/things I no longer really need.

We shall overcome . . . .

As a non-American, some may feel I am ill equiped to comment on the recent Presidential election, but what many Americans fail to take into account is the impact that their country has on the rest of the world - which, believe it or not, is alot bigger than the USA! As was said many years ago, when America sneezes, Europe catches a cold - but it’s actually more than just Europe, particularly now that this amazing creation, the internet, has made us a truly global society. I know, there are plenty who would argue with me on that, too, but I’m not arguing that it’s an homogenised society. The speed and accessibilty of information has changed not just our world view, but the very way we think and behave, even the way we feel. Our perceptions of reality are now enormously expanded and changeable, as the net feeds us an ever changing wealth of information, and this is what I see reflected in the election of Barack Obama as America’s next President.

World wide, the struggle for civil rights, and supply of basic human needs, has grown enormously since WW2, particularly with the advent and availability of radio and tv. It’s a truism that we don’t crave what we’ve never had, but the expasion of information accessibility has meant that more and more of those ‘at the bottom of the heap’ have realised what they are missing - that compared to the small, wealthy proportion of the population, they are grossly deprived and disempowered. This has created a powerful groundswell of discontent and anger that, sadly, the ‘haves’ appear to be oblivious to. With the advent of the net, it is much easier for the ‘have nots’ to link up and start to form action groups, and to educate themselves in their own potential and abilities. Networking groups such as Facebook and YouTube are not simply about entertainment or time wasting, as some employers are prone to see it, they are powerful tools for people to form alliances, not just locally and nationally, but worldwide, and to take action, to turn individual actions into an irresistable tide.

I believe that the election of President Obama is just the beginning - I fear that ignorant reactionaries may well attempt, or even suceed, to assassinate him, which would be an appalling tragedy, but not, I believe, the end of the movement for change. The disempowered have now discovered that they have real power, after all, and I don’t believe they will reliquish it, even without their symbolic figurehead. After the assassination of Kennedy the movement for progress and change collapsed in grief and fear, but if something dreadful ( heaven forbid) happens to Obama, I believe it would light the touch paper to an explosion of anger that would overwhelm not just America, but the world. He is only one man, with a terrifying task ahead of him, but he is the thin end of a rapidly growing wedge, that the ‘haves’ and the societally old fashioned ignore at their peril. It’s not Communism, or religious fundamentalists, of whatever stripe, that those at present in power need to beware of , it’s something they really can’t control now, because it’s gone too far - it’s the empowerment of the disempowered by the enormous expansion in connectivity that the internet has brought.

This is why I believe we are truly entering a global society, made up of a staggering variety of differing cultures, all with something to offer. Today’s young people take this connectivity for granted, and use it with a fluency and imagination that is inspiring, they socialise, and work, across national borders almost without thinking about it, it is no longer necessary to travel physically to share in a world wide society, and market. This connectivity is also why we are going to have to radically re-think the whole financial system - one nation’s financial mistakes now have an almost instant global effect, we can no longer afford any kind of insularity. Humans have come to dominate the globe through our ability be flexible, and adapt to changing situations. The net has speeded up this process of change and adaptation, or rather the necessity for it, exponentially. As has always been the case, those who are not able, or willing, to adapt as change drives through our lives, will fall by the wayside, in this new context, there will be no room for inflexibility.